Laughter is the Best Medicine

2005-07-13T16:14:00.000-07:00

REAL LOVE CHANGES PEOPLE -----by Max Lucado

When Catherine Lawes' husband, Lewis, became the warden on Sing Sing prison in 1921, she was a young mother of three daughters. Everybody warned her never to step foot inside the walls. But she didn't listen to them.

When the first prison basketball game was held, in she went, three girls in tow, and took a seat in the bleachers with the inmates.When she heard that one convicted murderer was blind, she taught him Braille so he could read. Upon learning of inmates who were hearing impaired, she studied sign language so they could communicate. For sixteen years Catherine Lawes softened the hard hearts of the men of Sing Sing.

The prisoners knew something was wrong when Lewis Lawes didn't report to work. Quickly the word spread that Catherine had been killed in a car accident. The following day as the acting warden took his early morning walk, he noticed a large gathering at the main gate. Every prisoner pressed against the fence. Eyes awash with tears. Faces solemn. No one spoke or moved.

The warden made a remarkable decision. “All right, men, you can go. Just be sure to check in tonight.” These were America's hardest criminals. But the warden unlocked the gate for them, and they walked without escort or guard to the home of Catherine Lawes to pay their last respects. And to a man, each one returned.

Real love changes people.Didn't God's love change you? Weren't you, like the prisoner, blind? You couldn't see beyond the grave. You couldn't see your purpose in life until he showed you. And you couldn't hear either. You'd never heard of such love and kindness, and you never would have heard of it, but God spoke in your language. And, most of all, he set you free. You are free! Free to run away. Free to harden your heart. But you don't. Or if you do, you come back. Why?Because you've never been loved like this before.

Joseph Conrad said...

2005-06-21T21:57:00.000-07:00

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealing with men.

The Godfather

2005-06-21T21:53:00.000-07:00

Leave the gun, take the canoli.

It's not personal, it's strickly business.

I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse.

Blaise Pascal said...

2005-06-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

Things are always at their best in the beginning.

Gone with the Wind

2005-06-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

That's something you'll never hear from me, Captain Butler, as long as I live.

You're a fool Rhett Butler.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Robert Zend said...

2005-06-21T21:48:00.001-07:00

People have one thing in common; they are all different.

Lily Tomlin said...

2005-06-21T21:48:00.000-07:00

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

Rene Crevel said...

2005-06-21T21:47:00.000-07:00

Friendship or love.

One must choose.

George Bernard Shaw said...

2005-06-21T21:46:00.001-07:00

There are two tragedies in life.

One is to lose your heart's desire.

The other is to gain it.

The Wizard of Oz

2005-06-21T21:46:00.000-07:00

Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

There's no place like home.

Henry Ford said...

2005-06-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.

Casablanca

2005-06-21T21:44:00.000-07:00

Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Helen Rowland

2005-06-21T21:43:00.001-07:00

When you see a couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's ahead.

Dirty Harry

2005-06-21T21:43:00.000-07:00

Go ahead, make my day.

Jane Ace said...

2005-06-21T21:42:00.001-07:00

Time wounds all heels.

Tammy Wynette said

2005-06-21T21:42:00.000-07:00

The sad part about happy endings is that there's nothing more to write about.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said...

2005-06-21T21:41:00.001-07:00

A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.

William Blake said...

2005-06-21T21:41:00.000-07:00

Love to faults is always blind.

King Louis XIV wisely said...

2005-06-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.

George Bernard Shaw once said...

2005-06-21T21:39:00.000-07:00

There are no secrets better kept than the secrets that everybody guesses.

Carolyn Wells said...

2005-06-21T21:38:00.001-07:00

A blunder at the right moment is better than cleverness at the wrong time.

Kahlil Gibran said...

2005-06-21T21:38:00.000-07:00

Work is love made visible

Sunset Blvd.

2005-06-21T21:36:00.000-07:00

Allright, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my closeup.

Star Wars

2005-06-21T21:35:00.000-07:00

Luke, may the force be with you.

Use the Force, Luke.

Luke, I am your father.

All About Eve

2005-06-21T21:33:00.000-07:00

Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night.

Taxi Driver

2005-06-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

You talkin' to me?

John Kendrick Bangs said...

2005-06-21T21:31:00.001-07:00

Pandemonium did not reign, it poured.

Ava Leverson said...

2005-06-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

You don't know a woman until you've had a letter from her.

Eddie Cantor

2005-06-21T21:30:00.000-07:00

Truth or Tact?

You have to choose.

Most times they are not compatible.

George Bernard Shaw said...

2005-06-21T21:29:00.000-07:00

The ideal love affair is one conducted by post.

This puts a whole new outlook on internet dating.

Ralph Waldo Emerson wisely said...

2005-06-21T21:28:00.000-07:00

Money often costs too much.

Edgar Watson Howe said...

2005-06-21T21:27:00.000-07:00

News is anything that makes a woman say, "For Heaven's sake!"

Noel Coward said...

2005-06-21T21:26:00.000-07:00

Learn the lines and don't bump into the furniture.

Oliver Herford said...

2005-06-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

Actresses will happen even in the best-regulated families.

Sir Walter Scott said...

2005-06-21T21:24:00.000-07:00

Heap on more wood! - the wind is chill; but let it whistle as it will, we'll keep our Christmas merry still.

Saadi said...

2005-06-21T21:23:00.000-07:00

Everything is difficult before it is easy.

Nancy Thayer said...

2005-06-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

It's never too late - in fiction or in life - to revise.

Oscar Wilde said...

2005-06-21T21:21:00.000-07:00

Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in a woman.

Patsy Cline said...

2005-06-21T21:20:00.000-07:00

Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the tests first.

Joseph Conrad says....

2005-06-21T21:19:00.000-07:00

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealing with men.

Thanks Kelly!!!

2005-06-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

What was the last thing that Jesus said at the Last Supper?

"Whoever wants in the picture get on this side of the table."

2005-06-03T17:45:00.000-07:00

During an annual church convention in a prominent U.S. city, a waitress at a busy restaurant, noting the scarcity of tips left by visitors, declared, "These people come with a ten dollar bill and the Ten Commandments, and they don't break either one."

2005-06-03T17:44:00.000-07:00

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman, he turns her back again.

2005-06-03T17:42:00.001-07:00

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "ARe you sure about that?"

"yep," said the youngster. "I heard dad say to mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

2005-06-03T17:42:00.000-07:00

A father was heard telling his son, "We men believe in equal rights for women....except when it comes to the remote control."

2005-06-03T17:40:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny's dad said, "Let me see your report card." Johnny replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" asked his father. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

2005-06-03T17:39:00.001-07:00

Many a woman has helped her husband to the top of the ladder, then decided the picture would look much better on the opposite wall.

2005-06-03T17:39:00.000-07:00

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

2005-06-03T17:33:00.000-07:00

God never lets anything happen to you unless it is loaded with opportunities...

2005-06-03T17:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you sat home from?

Sorry

2005-06-02T22:09:00.000-07:00

I haven't done a very good job lately of posting here. I promise - I do have some things to make you smile - I just have been concentrating on other things. And tonight - well, I need to start working on my Sunday School lesson. So...until I leave more for you to laugh about - at least smile.

The Mousetrap

2005-05-23T16:55:00.000-07:00

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package. "What food might this contain?" He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning. "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house."

The pig sympathized but said, "I am very sorry Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but to pray. Be assured that you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow. She said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you. But it's no skin off my nose."

So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well. She died. And so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

So next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it doesn't concern you, remember that when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and be willing to make that extra effort to encourage one another.

2005-05-11T21:35:00.000-07:00

Position can be bought, but respect must be earned.

Hillbilly

2005-05-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

A hillbilly went to the justice of the peace in a small town a few miles from him farm. The hillbilly said, "I'm thinking of marrying up with Herperia Parker next Sunday morning. Would you be able to say the word we'd need?"

The justice of the peace said, "I'd be proud to, my boy."

Three days later the hillbilly returned and said, "I think I got confused. I don't plan to marry Hesperia Parker after all. I think I'll marry me Nettie Jo Graham."

The justice of the peace said, "I made out the papers already. If you want me to change them, it'll cost you a quarter."

The hillbilly mulled it over, then said, "Leave it to me. There ain't a quarter's difference between them."

2005-05-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

The grading period was long past, and one day Johnny's teacher addressed him in class: "Johnny, you've had your report card for several weeks. Would you please bring it back to school for me as soon as you can?"

Johnny replied, "I'm sorry Mrs. Brown, but you gave me an A in one subject and my parents are still mailing it around to the relatives.

2005-05-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Tuttle deposited the baby in its daddy's lap, saying, "I have some work in the kitchen, please mind the baby."

Mr. Tuttle frunted an agreement of sorts, put the baby down on the floor to let it crawl around, and became involved in the sports section of the newspaper.

Eager to discover the world, the baby crawled out of the room, into the hall, to the steps leading to the ground floor, and managed to tumble down, head over heels.

It was more frightened than hurt, but the resultant cry could be heard all over town. The husband rushed downstairs and covering as best as he could, said to his wife, who was rushing in, "Look dear. The baby just took his first twelve steps!"

2005-05-11T21:22:00.001-07:00

If everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

2005-05-11T21:22:00.000-07:00

I have decided that the only way to get out of bed every morning with a big smile on your face is to go to bed at night with a coat hanger in your mouth.

New York Idiot

2005-05-11T21:19:00.000-07:00

As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The theif was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID, to which he replied, "Yes, Officer...that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

2005-05-11T21:18:00.000-07:00

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all. "Me neither, doc," said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

2005-05-11T21:16:00.000-07:00

My wife's really a mess. She puts on an inch of cold cream every night, curlers in her hair, and then puts a net over the whole thing. Then she leans over and whispers, "Kiss me."

I said, "Take me to your leader."

Balance Diet

2005-05-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

A balanced diet is a piece of chocolate in each hand.

When I Am An Old Woman

2005-04-30T00:18:00.000-07:00

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and a pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old and start to wear purple.

By Jenny Joseph, Trenton NJ

I Love Being Southern

2005-04-30T00:15:00.000-07:00

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't"HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" and go your own way.

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a longtime, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could."

Bless your hearts, ya'll have a blessed day.

Mom, Apple Pie & Gen. Robert E. Lee

Time for a Trip?

2005-04-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Memory

2005-04-29T22:26:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.

So True

2005-04-29T22:20:00.000-07:00

If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Top 20 Excuses

2005-04-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

Think carefully, if you're debating calling in sick, here are some of the most unusual excuses workers gave for missing work.

I was sprayed by a skunk.
I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.
My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.
I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
I couldn't find my shoes.
I hurt myself bowling.
I was spit on by a venomous snake.
I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.
A hitman was looking for me.
My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.
I eloped.
My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.
My cat unplugged my alarm clock.
I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.
I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India (note: she passed away 20 years before).
I forgot what day of the week it was.
Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
A tree fell on my car.
My monkey died.

2005-04-28T22:50:00.002-07:00

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

2005-04-28T22:50:00.001-07:00

I always know God won't give me more than I can handle but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

3 Bible Salesmen

2005-04-28T22:50:00.000-07:00

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-doorf or $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discouragepoor Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, " using mysales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you." Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am aprofessional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of mysales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, andhere's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-forsh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-wouldy-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-toy-y-you?"

Asylum Criteria

2005-04-28T22:40:00.000-07:00

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director which is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."

Okay, here's your test:
(Those with an abnormal tendency will scroll to the bottom to get the answer before even taking this test!)

1. Would you use the spoon?

or

2. Would you use the teacup?

or

3. Would you use the bucket?

SCROLL DOWN TO SEE THE NORMAL ANSWER
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"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup."
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"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

Lock Your Doors

2005-04-28T22:18:00.000-07:00

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
A New Jersey man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his butt.
Police suspect a cereal killer.

The Older Couple

2005-04-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

Experience

2005-04-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

Experience is a wonderful thing.

It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!

Junk

2005-04-28T20:51:00.000-07:00

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.